So, you got yourself a penis. What the hell do you do with it? You could fuck everything it fits in, you could chop it off, you could ignore it, or you could show it to people. So many options, too many to choose from, but that’s why I’m here. This is a guide, a reference, a manual, to know exactly what the hell to do with your penis. 

Circumcision 

I’m circumcised, and in my research there’s really no way to undo that. They seem to always be able to take skin off your leg and put it other places but then you’ve got a circumcised leg, not ideal but to each his own. If you’re circumcised and you feel you’re penis is missing a little pizazz you can add tattoos, bells, or a little smoke machine that you turn on right before taking your clothes off so your penis has a WWE style entrance into any situation. The issue with adding anything to your penis is the hard/soft paradox. You might think it looks cool to have a tattoo of a ruler on your penis so it looks like it’s twelve inches, or a tattoo that says “I’m the penis.” But you’re thinking about a boner. When its flaccid or God forbid it’s scarred and it does that thing where it shrivels up, anything you have on your penis is going to look disturbing. 

 

Now for those of you who didn’t get your dick trimmed as a baby, here’s the scoop. You just kinda have to keep it that way. A man getting an adult circumcision is like the man taking the woman’s name in a marriage. It’s embarrassing and people will start asking you if you’re OK. Ultimately circumcised or not, you just need to leave it alone. 

 

Measuring 
I measure my penis about twice a year. I only measure it when I look down at it and it’s looking good. The issue is then you have to find a ruler or tape measure. By the time you go through all of the drawers in your house you’re no longer hard and you have to whip it back up into shape. 

 

As far as the measurement process is concerned here’s my tip. Be honest. Don’t measure “from the balls” I don’t even know what that means. As far as lying about your penis size you’re not allowed to lie more than a half inch. Theoretically you could get crazy hard and it could technically be able to get a half inch bigger. Lie away fellas. Anything beyond that and you’re setting yourself up for failure. 
The size of your dick matters, unless it’s bigger than mine. If you have a super small penis that’s all the more reason to get rich and learn how to do tantric stuff. Use it as motivation. 

 

Naming it
You may get the urge to name your penis. You need to be careful. You don’t want to name it something that doesn’t match it’s energy and personality. You ever see a guy named Knox Cannon or something like that and then he’s a total dork? It just throws the energy of the room off. If you name it something funny it’s cool for a while but then the first time you can’t get hard around a women you’re going to look down and be pissed at Richard Dixson. Major letdown. 

 

Instead of naming it, give it an accent. Mine has a very strong Latino accent. I pull it out and go “hey homes, you tryna gimme some poosy, I’m a penis over here.” I tried other accents, like a strong Chinese accent but it always sounded too angry and aggressive. But again this is a personal choice. Your penis, your accent. 

 

Itching
Sure your balls itch more than your penis but it’s like that saying “happy wife, happy life.” You’re balls are the wife and your penis is life. When you need to itch you never stick your hand down in your pants. It looks like your jerking off. Instead scrape your genitals up against a wall or a tree and tell people you have poison ivy. This does two things. Firstly it provides a quick explanation as to why your thrusting a tree, and secondly it provides you with get out of jail free card for the rest of the day if you end up itching your nuts again. In fact people will be impressed with how little you’re itching your poison filled nuts. 

Cleaning 
No one should ever be able to “smell” your dick. The last thing you want is for people to be trying to figure out what a particular smell is and they get out their magnifying glass like they’re Sherlock Holmes and sniff their way to your tiny dick named Knox Cannon. Clean that thing. 

 

Outfits
It’s summertime so everyone is trying to look hip, cool and show off their body. Your penis is no different. I like to dress mine up like the guy from Curious George. With the little yellow hat and suit. It’s a cute look but it also shows I mean business. You have to use a breathable material or you’re going to have a sweatshop forming in your pants. And not the kind that produces Apple products. 

 

A Gentleman’s Conclusion
In closing, your penis should smell good, look fly, have an accent and should make every big decision you ever make in your life. Eventually your penis might make a child in your likeness or it could make a clog in your plumbing from all the tissues you flushed down the toilet. But either way your penis is going to be there for you through thick and thin. Unless you cut it off. In which case it wont be.