Donald Trump is renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America. He’s also thinking about renaming the Statue of Liberty “Big Bitch” and threatening to put a wall around New Mexico if they don’t change it to New America.

 

The GTA 6 trailer dropped this month, and people are torn. On one hand the graphics look great, but many critics are saying the only grand theft happening is the price. You can go outside and actually steal a car and sell the parts for 3-4 grand. Or you can not get pussy for a year and spend $90 on a game where you have to play as a lady.

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Dolly Parton passed away at the age of 80. She died after the silicone implants she got in the '70s turned rancid. Coyotes and vultures had been following her around for years thinking she was a dying flamingo.

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It was revealed that Andrew Jackson loved hickory nuts and would eat buckets full of them every day. Trump responded to this bit of information claiming he eats more nuts than any president ever. “I eat loads of nuts, no one can even believe how many nuts I’m eating on a daily basis, whoever has a nut for me I’ll get it down faster than anyone in the world.”

 

Robin Williams was denied a role in Harry Potter because he wasn’t British. In Mrs. Doubtfire he played the role of a huge old lady. Fuck it, I’m telling my kids Mrs. Doubtfire was harry potter.

 

A flash flood ripped through the Grand Canyon and two people have been found dead as a result. But don’t be sad, one victim was a guy trying to kill himself and the other was Wild E Coyote who started the flood to kill the road runner until his plan backfired and killed him.

 

Tim Cook is approaching his final day as CEO of Apple.  People are lining up to be his replacement. The most popular candidate is XI PING CHING, the manager of the most successful sweatshop Apple owns due to his harsh rules and even harsher punishment. XI says if he’s made CEO he will cut customer cost by offering each American the chance to visit the sweatshop and build their own phone. You can customize it, add features, choose your color and more! When you’re done your phone will be shipped to your family and you get to stay in the sweatshop and work forever.

 

A blue crab infestation has hit the coast of Italy.  Scientist have unleashed an army of octopi to fight

them. This new season of squid games is fucking weird.

 

A man was finally found guilty for the murder of Tupac Shakur. My theory is that the rumors of P Diddy killing him had to be erased. The death of an icon like Tupac can’t be remembered as him being killed by a rapist who loves fucking men in a tub of baby oil.

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Flock cameras are popping up all over the country and many people are taking them down due to the surveillance state they’re creating. I say we give the stars of the show “My 600 Pound Life” a job mooning every flock camera in America. That way whoever is spying on us is only seeing a huge giant ass. That will then create a fetish, which in turn will destroy their marriages and their brains.  Problem solved.

 

Backlash hit multiple name brand stores as a Halloween costume of a German soldier was being sold. Doesn’t a vampire suck your blood and turn you into a vampire? And they live for thousands of years so they suck the blood of like millions of people? To me that’s way worse than being a German soldier. A guy that just follows orders? Not even that scary.

 

George Santos was given a lifetime ban from Kalashi after he was found to be betting on himself. Unfortunately they did have to give him a substantial amount of money as he had bet on whether or not he would receive a lifetime ban from the site.