Every election cycle comes with a headline declaring a candidate lost his election amid an ongoing investigation. For one, if you’re a guy who has some shady shit in your past, maybe don’t run for office. It doesn’t matter how airtight your story is, or how long ago it happened. The shit is going to come out and you’re going to be on the news going “Yes I did pull my penis out but it was soft and I was just making a joke, anyway can we talk about crime in our city and how I’m going to solve it?”

 

Also, why are so many guys that have penis related crimes running for office? Seems kind of like a you can’t have your cake and eat it too type situation. If you want to do questionable stuff with your penis you can’t run for office. Even if it wasn’t illegal, it’s still going to come to light and it’s going to be weird. I’m not really a voting-ass type motherfucka. But the idea of getting dressed, leaving my house, getting in my car, driving through traffic and waiting in line to vote for a guy that has done weird stuff with his penis is just not in the cards for me. The whole time I’d be thinking about the weird thing he did and all it would take is a Culvers on my way to the voting booth to choose a Butterburger and ice cream over voting for the penis man.

 

If I were the top advisor on a political campaign and my candidate had some shady penis stuff going on I’d immediately sit him down and say listen buster, you got three options.

 

Option #1: We make you smooth. You aren’t going to have anything down there at all. No penis, no balls, no hair. And we’re marching down to TMZ and we’re going to show them.

 

They’ll ask, “did you have an operation to have this done?” And we say “no, how rude of you to ask.” The doctor that we’ll get to do it will be super Chinese so even if they find him he won’t be able to confess on account of him not knowing English.

 

Then they might ask “how did you get children?” and we’ll say “We adopted these children after my opponent left them at the fire station due to her being a ginormous piece of shit.”

It’s the perfect crime. And it also prevents future issues with your penis cause you won’t have one.

 

Option #2: We claim retardation. If you’re a certain level of retardation you’re not going to know that pulling your penis out on the bus is wrong. And quite frankly it’s mean that everyone is piling on this perfectly sweet, retarded mongoloid.

 

People will then of course ask, “Why should we vote for you if you’re retarded?” And we’ll pull the ole “it’s about time retarded people have had some damn representation in this country.”

 

We put a bicycle helmet on you to really sell the story and honestly just to be safe we should probably make you smooth down there on this one too. I know you’re probably thinking you’re going to be known as the “retarded guy with no penis” but you’ll also be known as the first mentally retarded member of city council. Sometimes you gotta take a step back to take a few steps forward.

 

Option #3: We tell people that YOU were the victim. Everyone is always begging and begging to see your penis. And you’re sick and tired of it. It has become such a nuisance that you are going to go on live TV and make yourself smooth down there live for the public. Now people can finally stop bugging you about your beautiful perfect penis and you can get down to the issues at hand. Honestly however you slice it and dice it we’re going to smooth you up down there. No real way around that.

 

Anyone of those three options are a guaranteed win. My candidate would be flying high to victory and I would be heralded as the mastermind that can get any candidate out of a jam.

 

But what if the scandal is not about a penis? What if it’s murder, bribery, racial slurs, having a fat wife, or lying about your race? I’ve got an answer for it all. Let’s take them one by one.

 

Murder: So you murdered someone. First things first we highlight your determination to win this race. You murdered someone who was in your way and you’ll have the same determination to get things done for the people once in office.

 

Secondly if you start losing, more people are going to end up getting murdered. We’ll make that a central theme to the campaign. So if more people start dying, blame the competition, they knew what they were up against and they kept pushing the envelope.

 

Bribery: Let’s say you get caught taking a bribe in exchange for a few favors. For one, we immediately out the person who gave you the bribe. They’ve probably been bragging around town, running their mouth and that’s why you’re in this mess in the first place.

 

The next phase is damage control. You tell the public that you were told you either had to take the bribe or do gay stuff. Over and over again you tell the news that the people who you took the bribe from were aggressive homosexuals who love doing gay stuff with politicians. This diverts the whole conversation from you taking a bribe, to you refusing to be gay.

 

You come out of the whole scandal as the straightest politician America has ever seen. And the people who bribed you have to spend the rest of their lives convincing people they’re not gay.

 

Racial Slurs: The ole “I didn’t know the mic was hot and I said a slur.” First things first we assess how bad the slur is. If it’s one of the black or jewish ones I’d say we put you in protective custody. That or see if Joe Rogan will have you on his show.

 

If it’s one of the Chinese or Mexican ones we can smooth this over. We put you in front of so many children of the race you insulted, taking pictures and playing soccer with them. We also make sure to let people know you have many friends of that particular race, we can find people on Craigslist to be your friend. We highlight that you’re just a guy that keeps it real. If people know anything about guys that keep it real, it’s that sometimes they use racial slurs.

 

Having a Fat Wife: This one is a doozy…We’re going to need to get Hollywood involved. 

Y’all remember the show Wife Swap? We convince a married couple that the show is back up and running and we switch wives with them. Little do they know we’re not going to give them back their hot wife. We keep her and just act like she’s always been your wife.

 

Lying about your race: The Liz Warren special. I get it, you wanted to add a little pizazz to your campaign, so you start telling people you’re Chinese. You tape your eyes back and start putting on a heavy accent. Everyone is really excited until someone sees your penis and its huge. Your cover is blown and everyone knows you’re not Chinese.

 

Timing is everything. We have to take control of the narrative within the first 24 hours. So we fly you to China and start vigorous karate training. We challenge your opponent to a karate match. When they decline we release a training montage of you progressively getting better at karate, and also enjoying Chinese life.

 

This doesn’t prove you’re Chinese, but it does confuse people into thinking maybe you were raised by Chinese people like the kid from Jungle Book.

 

The truth about these politicians is they’re psychopaths. The reason they want power, the reason they have scandals, the reason they think they can get away with it, is all because they’re out of their fucking minds.

 

To be honest with you the difference between a scandal making or breaking a career is not the heart or the intentions of the person who did them, it’s how creative their political advisor can get. And I’m the most creative motherfucker in this game. I’ll cut your penis off, get you a new wife and convince people you’re not white. If you want to request my services please do so in the comment section.

 

Thank you and good luck.

 

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