AROUND 4TH OR 5TH GRADE YOU WOULD LEARN ABOUT THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS IN SCHOOL. THE TEACHER WOULD EXPLAIN THAT IN THE LATE 1600'S THERE WERE TRIALS WHERE WOMEN WOULD BE MURDERED BECAUSE THE TOWN THOUGHT THEY WERE WITCHES. AS A CHILD YOU THINK TO YOURSELF GEE WHIZ THAT'S A REAL BUMMER. THAT FEELING LASTS ABOUT FOUR TO FIVE SECONDS AND THEN YOU ONCE AGAIN START THINKING ABOUT YOUR PURPLE ERASER THAT SMELLS LIKE GRAPE FLAVOR AND HOW AWESOME IT WOULD BE TO EAT IT.

 

YOU SAY, PEOPLE MUST HAVE BEEN INSANE BACK IN THE DAY…RIGHT? THERE'S NO WAY THAT KIND OF THING WOULD HAPPEN TODAY AND IF IT DID, I WOULD STEP UP AND BE ON THE GOOD SIDE, NO LADY BURNING ON MY WATCH! THEN YOU BECOME A GROWN ADULT MAN.

 

AS AN ADULT YOU SOMETIMES HAVE TO RELEARN THINGS YOU WERE TAUGHT IN SCHOOL WITH THE PERSPECTIVE AND EXPERIENCE OF LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. THE FIRST LADY TO FLY A PLANE CRASHES IT SO BADLY THAT WE CAN'T EVEN FIND IT? HILARIOUS IN HINDSIGHT! NATIVE AMERICANS JUST BEING ASIANS THAT CROSSED A BIG ICE BRIDGE AND THEN GOT A TAN? WOWZERS!! BUT THEN YOU THINK ABOUT THE WITCH TRIALS AND SOME LOGISTICAL QUESTIONS EMERGE.

 

COULD YOU JUST ACCUSE ANY WOMAN OF BEING A WITCH? WHAT WAS THE COSMETIC TECHNOLOGY OF THE TIME AND COULD I ATTACH A FAKE WART TO A LADY'S NOSE THE NIGHT BEFORE A TRAIL? IF A WOMAN WAS TOO STINKY FOR MY LIKING WOULD THAT PLAY TO A JURY?

 

THE POINT IS I WAS CURIOUS. I LOOKED IT UP AND WHAT I FOUND WAS NO SURPRISE. CLASSIC WOMEN OVERREACTION CAUSE THERE WERE ONLY 20 WITCHES THAT WERE KILLED. IF THERE WAS EVEN AN INKLING THAT WITCHES WERE REAL IT WOULD TAKE ME AT LEAST 20 TO GET THE BUGS OUT OF THE IDENTIFICATION PROCESS. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE MORE OF A 'LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES' TYPE SITUATION THAN SOMETHING WE NEED TO BE TEACHING CHILDREN FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

 

MY NEXT QUESTION; ARE WE SURE WITCHES AREN'T REAL? AND IF THEY ARE IN FACT REAL WHAT THE HELL SHOULD WE DO WITH THEM? I'LL BET YOU IN AN AVERAGE MONTH I RUN INTO AT LEAST ONE LADY THAT I SUSPECT OF BEING A WITCH. NO, BIG POINTY HATS AREN'T REALLY IN STYLE THESE DAYS AND BROOMSTICKS ARE NO LONGER USED FOR FLYING. BUT IF YOU GO TO A GAS STATION AND PEEP INTO THE LITTLE CAGE THEY PUT AROUND THE DUMPSTER. ABOUT 20% OF THE TIME YOU'LL FIND A LADY WITH ITCH SCARS ON HER FACE CACKLING WHILE SMOKING 3 CIGARETTES AT THE SAME TIME. ONE TIME I LOOKED IN THERE AND A LADY YELLED WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT? GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! NOW I'M NOT SAYING FOR CERTAIN SHE PUT A CURSE ON ME BUT FOR ABOUT A WEEK AND A HALF AFTER THAT I GOT ADDICTED TO MDMA. COINCIDENCE? PROBABLY NOT.

 

OK SO WITCHES PROBABLY EXIST. WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THEM? WILL SMITH FOUND ONE AND DECIDED TO MARRY HER, JOHNNY DEPP DATED ONE FOR A WHILE AND SHE TOOK A SHIT ON HIS BED AND FOR SOME REASON THIS ONLY TURNED HIM ON EVEN MORE, AND IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY MEGHAN MARKLE SHOVED THE QUEEN UP HER VAGINA TO SUFFOCATE HER AND NOW ALL OF THE QUEEN'S SONS ARE PEDOPHILES. SO CLEARLY WE NEED TO BE A BIT MORE STRICT, FIND A MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN SETTING THEM ON FIRE AND LETTING THEM RUN RAMPANT.

 

I SAY IF WE CATCH A WITCH, WE TURN THEM INTO THE AUTHORITIES, FROM THERE WE TATTOO DISCLAIMERS ON THEIR FOREHEAD, BREASTS AND INNER THIGHS TO GIVE MEN WHO RUN INTO THEM WARNINGS AND REMINDERS. SOMEONE WOULD OF COURSE NEED TO BE IN CHARGE OF DETERMINING WHO TO TATTOO AND I'D LOVE TO THROW MY HAT IN THE RING FOR THAT JOB. ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE MY SKILLS.

 

BEYONCE- NOT A WITCH, DEMON POSSESSED, BUT NOT A WITCH.

 

HILARY CLINTON- WITCH.

 

MARYL STREEP- SURPRISINGLY NOT A WITCH, JUST UNRELATABLE AND PROBABLY REALLY MEAN BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

 

ELLEN DEGENERES- LESBIAN. SO THERE'S ACTUALLY NO WAY OF KNOWING HER WITCH STATUS. LESBIANS HAVE A RAGE AND DISCONTENTMENT TOWARDS LIFE THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DIFFERENTIATE. BEING A LESBIAN IS KIND OF A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD CAUSE WE CAN'T PROSECUTE.

 

REBEL WILSON- A WITCH THAT WENT ON OZEMPIC.

 

MY DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR WITH 5 CATS AND A DOG THAT WONT STOP BARKING- BIG TIME WITCH. SHE INSPIRED ME TO WRITE THIS.

 

ICE SPICE- NOT A WITCH, SHE JUST HAS DOWN SYNDROME.

 

IN CONCLUSION WE GOT A REAL PROBLEM ON OUR HANDS AND WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY'RE FRAMING THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS ALL WRONG IN OUR SCHOOLS. I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT AND I HOPE YOU DO TOO. THANKS FOR READING MY TED TALK.