It’s a cool Autumn’s evening and Garfield just ate a shit load of lasagna. He’s tired and ready to go to bed to dream of dogs going into a meat grinder as he does every night. When suddenly in his dark cozy bedroom he sees a light beaming from the corner of his room. He walks over cautiously and notices it’s a rather large metal box with the words Time Machine written in Latin. He gets even closer and a door opens automatically. UH OH he thinks to himself as he walks into the dark smokey machine. What has Garfield got himself into this time?

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Garfield sees a dial, the instructions say to set the year you’d like to travel to and it’ll take about 15 minutes. He’s thought about this, he’s done his research. He wants to go to 1000 AD England.

15 minutes pass and he emerges in the year 1000. But where’s the tea? The red coats? The British accents?

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He then realizes that he’s been sent to the year 1000 but he’s still in America. Native Americans have never seen anything like Garfield, so they say “fuck it let’s kill the little guy.” They tie Garfield up in a knot and they slowly lower him into a bonfire when he exclaims “The white men will come soon and they’re going to rape you!” this catches their attention. “I can help you” he continues “There’s something called a gun, you’ll need it.”

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They let him down and he proceeds to have what the Native Americans thought was a hair ball gag. Instead he coughs up a fully functioning 3D gun printer with the proper supplies and material to make roughly ten thousand rifles. He shows them how to use the machine and then writes up a blueprint for a nuclear bomb.

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The Native Americans are so thrilled they propose a celebration feast. Garfield insisted on having lasagna. This day would go on to be known as the first Thanksgiving. ​

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But Garfield didn’t go back to the year 1000 AD to invent Thanksgiving. His mission is in England and he’s realizing quickly that getting across the Atlantic is no small feat. He asks the Native Americans if pirates have been invented yet and per the usual they knew nothing. So he took about nine or ten of them and carved an eye out of each one of them. Then he tossed on eye patches, pirate hats and in the absence of parakeets he put turkeys on their shoulders. He then forced them to build a pirate’s ship and off they went to England.

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Upon arrival the pirates said to the white faces “see you in 500 years bitches we’ll be waiting for ya” and went on their way. Garfield, now in 1000 AD England scurried about town looking for the thought leaders of the time. He found a group of people gathered in the town square marveling at a calendar. It was the first time the modern 7 day week had been introduced to the public. A man was shouting at the peasants that the work week will start on Monday and they will need to be up bright and early on that day every week or they will be killed.

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Garfield asked the gentleman “who the hell do you think you are?” the man said, “I am but the loudest talker in the town, so I kind of got roped into the job as the announcement guy.” Garfield replied, “very good, but where did this calendar come from? Who invented the day of Monday?”

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“Sir Issac Newton” the man replied, “he lives upstairs in room 2A. We haven’t invented locks for doors yet so I’m going to assume you’re a normal nice cat and you’re not going to use this information to do anything bad.” He continued “why do you have ropes and daggers?” Garfield replied “how about you kiss my ass.”

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Sarcasm had yet to be invented so the man kept trying to give Garfield’s buttocks a smooch. Garfield successfully got away and made the climb up to room 2A.

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Opening the door Garfield saw sir Issac Newton eating an apple while giggling about his invention of Monday. Garfield took his apple and threw it out the window. “Eureka!!” Newton exclaimed. “Gravity has been invented!!!” Garfield replied “How about you start working on an invention that keeps my fist from being shoved up your ass.”

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Garfield proceeded to tie up Sir Issac Newton and shove lasagna down his throat. Taking the dagger he brought he began carving a calendar in Newton’s back. The calendar is a 6 day week and it excludes Monday. Garfield says “If you don’t get rid of Mondays I’ll throw your head out the window like I did that apple.”

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Newton exclaimed “its not Monday you don’t like it’s the start of the work week! If we get rid of Mondays another day will simply replace it, and then you’ll hate that day just the same!”

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Clearly he wasn’t getting it. Garfield replied “ok then fuck it, I’m going to kill you and take your job. I’ll be the famous inventor of the time and you’ll be dead.” Garfield then took one of Newton’s telescopes and began mercilessly beating his ass. Once he was dead Garfield called upon the announcer guy to let everyone know he was the town’s new inventor and also that the day Monday has been uninvented.

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The people asked. What will you invent? Garfield responded “I’m not really into science or math or engineering. I’m more into catch phrases and sayings.” I’ll have a full array of awesome sayings by dawn.

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At dawn announcer man gathered the townsfolk. “Hear ye hear ye!! I have a list of sayings that have just been invented by our new inventor Garfield the Cat. These saying can be used by anyone but you cannot make them your whole personality because that will get annoying and everyone will hate you. The sayings are as follows: The one who smelt it dealt it for when someone asks who farted, fuck around and find out for when someone is annoying you, no diggity no doubt as another way to say yes to someone,  smell you later as a way to say see you later but also insult the person for smelling bad, that’s what she said when someone says something that could be misconstrued as sexual, mess with the bull you get the horns as a way to say that you’ll beat someone up.” He then announced the long list of 64 “yo mama so fat” jokes that Garfield had come up with.

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Garfield was heralded as the greatest inventor and linguist of all time. Later that week he got stuck in a tree and they had no way to get him down so he eventually died of starvation. The people gathered around and agreed that he had both fucked around and found out, and he no diggity no doubt was dead.

 

But he died happy, a famous inventor who got rid of Mondays and changed the course of history in ways we can’t possibly comprehend.