AN APPARENT IRAN DEAL WAS MADE THIS WEEK POTENTIALLY ENDING THE WAR. TRUMP PROMISED VIRGINS TO THE IRANIANS WHO ARE KNOWN TO DO SOME PRETTY EXTREME SHIT FOR VIRGINS. LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THE ONLY ADULT VIRGINS WE HAVE ARE MEN WHO ARE CHRONICALLY ONLINE. THE VIRGINS HAVE BEEN TOLD ABOUT THE TRADE AND THEY'RE PRETTY PUMPED AS IT TURNS OUT MUSLIM RULES FOR WOMEN KIND OF ROCK.

IN SPORTS NEWS THE WORLD CUP COMES TO AMERICA. AND IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS THE USA MEN'S TEAM IS NOW IN FULL SUPPORT OF DONALD TRUMPS DEPORTATION EFFORTS IN HOPES THAT THEY COULD WIN IF ALL THE TEAMS ARE NOT PHYSICALLY ALLOWED TO BE IN THE UNITED STATES.
 

A NEW POLL CONDUCTED SHOWED THAT 59% OF AMERICANS THINK DONALD TRUMP IS A DICTATOR. TRUMP RESPONDED TO THE POLL IN A QUOTE "THE ONLY POLL THAT I'VE BEEN CALLED A DICTATOR ON IS THIS HOG OF MINE" HE THEN BOMBED ANOTHER VILLAGE IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND TOOK MORE RIGHTS AWAY FROM AMERICANS.
 

LUIGI MANGIONE CLAIMS HE WAS 'EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED' AT TIME OF SHOOTING. I KNOW EVERYONE HAS THEIR OPINION ON THIS GUY BUT EVERY TIME HE TALKS I GET REMINDED THAT HE IS A SPOILED CHILD WHO'S PARENTS WERE WORTH MORE THAN THE CEO HE SHOT. MAYBE INSTEAD OF KILLING A CEO HE SHOULD HAVE TIRED NOT BEING A GIGANTIC FAG.
 

TOY STORY 5 IS COMING OUT AND IN SHOCKING FASHION THE PLOT SHOWS BUZZ LIGHT YEAR SNIFFING COKE OUT OF MRS. POTATO HEADS HOLES WHILE WOODY KEEPS SHOOTING HIS OWN FEET CAUSE HE'S GONE INSANE ABOUT SNAKES BEING IN HIS BOOTS.
 

HISTORIANS ARE ON THE QUEST TO FIGURE OUT WHY HUMANS STARTED RIDING HORSES. MY GUESS IS AT ONE POINT GAY GUYS HADN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO DO SODOMY YET BUT THEY LOVED HUGE COCKS SO THEY STARTED RIDING HORSES BY HUGGING THEIR ERECT PENIS' TIGHTLY AS THE HORSES RAN. A STRAIGHT MAN SAW THE GAY MEN TRAVELING FROM PLACE TO PLACE FASTER AND SAID MY LANDS IF I GOTTA GRAB A COCK TO RIDE FROM PLACE TO PLACE I WILL. THEN EVERYONE IN TOWN WAS LIKE GERALD WHAT ARE YOU DOING. AND HE SAID WHATS IT LOOK LIKE IM RIDING A HORSE COCK , I'M A BUSY MAN I GOT PLACES TO BE. THEN THEY SAID YEA, WE ALL RIDE HORSES TOO IT'S THE YEAR 1770, WE'VE BEEN RIDING HORSES FOR MILLENNIA WHY ARE YOU GRABBING THAT HORSES PENIS.
 

CHINA'S MILITARY DEPLOYED ROBOT DOGS IN A COMBAT DRILL THIS WEEK. IT STARTED OFF WELL BUT THEN ALL THEIR SOLDIERS TRIED TO CATCH THE ROBOT DOG AND EAT HIM
 

MATTHEW PERRY ALLEGEDLY ASSAULTED WOMEN AND LIED ABOUT BEING SOBER. REMINDS ME OF THAT NIRVANA SONG COME AS YOU ARE WHERE KURT COBAIN SAID AND I SWEAR I DON'T HAVE A GUN, NO I DON'T HAVE A GUN. LIKE WHAT A LYING SACK OF DEAD SHIT. THAT MAN CLEARLY HAD A GUN AND HE USED HIS TOE TO PULL THE TRIGGER WHILE HE WAS SUCKING ON THE BARREL
 

EXPERTS HAVE REVEALED THE SIX TRAITS THAT MEAN YOU ARE THE ANCESTOR OF NEADERTHALS. TRAIT NUMBER ONE? RETARDATION
 

JOE BIDEN, GEORGE W. BUSH AND BILL CLINTON ARE SLATED TO ATTEND OBAMA'S PRESIDENTIAL CENTER OPENING. BILL SAYS HE PLANS ON JERKING OFF IN THE CENTER AS HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH A BLACK PERSON AND CUMMING IN A BUILDING FOR BLACK PEOPLE IS CLOSE ENOUGH. GEORGE IS WANTING TO INTRODUCE EVERYONE TO JEB BUSH AS HE FEELS THIS IS A GOOD EVENT TO TAKE HIS RETARDED BROTHER. AND JOE KEEPS INSISTING HE'S COMING TO EAT THE WATERMELON. EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KEEPS TELLING HIM THERE WONT BE FOOD, HE INSIST THERE WILL BE WATERMELON THERE.
 

SCIENTISTS ARE WARNING THAT THE 7 CONTINENTS ARE MOVING TOWARDS EACH OTHER AND ITS ACCELERATING. THEY'RE SAYING THE CONTINENTS COULD COLLIDE IN THE NEXT THREE TO FIVE BILLION YEARS AND IT'S SUPER INTERESTING AND EVERYONE SHOULD REALLY CARE.