China has planted 66 million trees in their deserts, and the trees appear to be growing faster than trees in other biomes. Scientists from all over the world have tried to figure out the reason behind the rapid growth. The Chinese insist that it’s because they assign a Chinese person to each individual tree to yell “grow faster, you grow too slow I no have all day, grow faster.” They reportedly did the same thing to Yao Ming and it worked like a charm.

 

U.S. investigators believe a cyberattack that targeted dozens of water systems in Minnesota this week likely was orchestrated by Iranian hackers. Everyone is chronically online these days. Used to be if you had an enemy and you wanted to poison their water you went OUTSIDE ever heard of it??? And you would WALK (you do that by moving your legs and feet) to their house and go into their water well and pour liquid from a jug you had laying around with a skull and cross on it full of poison.

 

Fast food chains across the nation are losing appeal as prices rise and service slows. You would think when people found out the employees sometimes spit and cum in the food that would have driven away business. Or that the food is made from the intestines of malnourished cattle. But no, it was the prices and waiting 5 extra minutes that finally did it for people.

 

GTA VI is set to release later this year. After so many pushbacks’ fans are antsy. If Grand Theft Auto VI doesn’t come out on time many are considering stealing all of the employees’ cars so they can’t leave and have to finish the game.

 

The United States is still at war with Iran. Many do not know why we’re even in this war. But I think it would be pretty cool if we won the war and as a prize, we got to take a bunch of sand to make beaches on our lakes and ponds. How do we win the war? Reverse 9/11. You go to the middle east as a white person and fly a building into an airport. Classic flip.

 

The trial of the “Ohio House of Horrors” is underway after the family was raided and found to have 16 children living in horrifying conditions. The defense attorney claims poverty not criminality was the cause of the horrendous situation. If I were the defense attorney I would simply say Judge, how fucking retarded do these people look? Scale of one to ten judge, shoot me straight. If you were as retarded as these people are would you know how to raise 16 children? The reason they had a rule against going outside was because every time one of them walks out the door they immediately become convinced they can fly and jump off the roof.

 

And for our final story. Many are wondering if Mitch Mconnell is dead after images of him in a hospital are believed to be fake AI renderings to convince people he is still alive. This after he had a series of freezing incidents over the last few years. I decided to write a bunch of jokes before he dies so I can beat everyone to the punch.

 

Mitch McConnell lived looking like a turtle and died from what appears to be shell shock

 

Mitch kept freezing towards the end and now he’s in hell, or as he calls it defrost mode

 

Mitch was a war hawk, which is also what Mitch calls his Chinese wife

 

The republican party is just going to keep hooking him up to a car battery and every time he freezes, zap him back into consciousness so he can finish his sentence about starting 2-3 more wars and loving Asian pussy.

 

I wish ya the best Mitch.