The Press Secretary is leaving her position, and it got me thinking. Why exactly do we need a press secretary? The last lady was that boingy haired gal who had to decipher what Joe Biden was trying to do. You ever scribble something super-fast and then try to read it a day later? That’s a perfect metaphor for her role as Biden’s interpreter. I personally think the previous President should have to be the Press Secretary for the current President. Right now, we’d still have Biden in our lives defending Trump to the news. “Hey Jack, he’s doing the best he can with the Epstein files. You ever tried reading Harry Potter? Epstein was pretty much a pedophile wizard Harry Potter. That’s a whole hell of a lot of reading he has to do before he can send em out buster.”

 

I’d like to think in 20 years the President is going to be like the Royal Family, and the Press Secretary is going to be the real person in charge. Because as the Press Secretary, you hold all the power. Someone asks you what the President’s opinion of Canada is? You say “Our opinion of Canada is they’re a bunch of pansies that we could literally destroy in a war in like 2 seconds. We’re going to start making them pay us one million dollars every day just so we don’t attack them.” And boom you’ve started your first war. Someone asks you what his opinion on gay marriage is? You say “this is a direct quote from your president regarding gay marriage. “Eww, gross I’m trying to eat bro.” And just like that you’ve started a civil war.

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If I were Press Secretary, I would immediately tell people that the President, while still making decisions suffered a throat injury and can no longer speak or be seen in public. Secondly, I would bring a gun and I would start every meeting with my score from the gun range that morning. This would allow me to pretty much ignore every question that anyone asks at anytime and I can just ramble on about whatever I want.

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“Mr. Press Secretary, we’ve heard ground troops have been deployed overseas, what’s the latest on the situation?”

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Me: “Yes, I saw the McRib is back, actually saw it on a billboard on my way to work. It’s crazy billboards are still a thing right folks? All these targeted ads on every digital platform you can think of but at the end of the day, when you see a McRib on a billboard you get excited. Next question.”

 

And spoiler alert it would go like that every time. If they threatened to fire me I would say “Fire me all you want to, but I’ll write a tell all book about which of you is gay.” And then what do ya know, I’m back the next week ready to ignore more questions.

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I think the reason I feel so opposed to the Press Secretary job is the same feeling I get when I think about lawyers. Our law that we’re all governed by has become so intense and complicated that none of us actually know how to defend ourselves. A President without a Press Secretary would be like those videos you see of criminals who insist on defending themselves. It’s impossible. He can’t just come out and say what he thinks because it would get misconstrued by both the left and the right. The Press Secretary’s job is ultimately to try their best to say, there’s no story here. Keep on living your life everything is fine and all the right decisions have been made.

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I think it would be nice if every news agency was forced to say that once a week. You tune in to Fox News to watch old Republicans beg someone to tell them they’re not racist and it’s just a broadcaster saying “Nothing really crazy is happening today, go eat blueberries and have sex with your loved one, tomorrow we’ll tell you how not racist we are but for now, just eat blueberries and have consensual sex.” In my research that’s pretty much what the Press Secretary is saying every week and if we got the news to echo that belief I think we’d make some real progress in this country.

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The other option we have is a constant 24-hour Press Secretary. We have 48 of them and they rotate, each doing one hour of Press every two days, constantly arguing and explaining every single thing the President is doing. We get ad revenue from constant prescription drug ads and beer commercials and we make buuko bucks. We may even bring back cigarette commercials if they pay us enough.

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With a 24-hour Press Secretary we can finally get to the bottom of what’s going on in our country, everything is clear, no confusion. And that’s ultimately the point I’m trying to make with this essay. As it currently stands the Press Secretary doesn’t make any impact at all. They’re not changing anyone’s mind, and we don’t really believe anything they say. So, for the next Press Secretary go all out. Either have them answer questions until they physically can’t take it anymore and collapse OR let them bring a gun and say whatever the fuck they want to.