LATE NIGHT SLOP IS ALL WE WANTED. MY GAL HAD LOST HER WALLET THAT DAY AND I WANTED TO TAKE HER OUT TO EAT AND FINISH THE DAY ON A HIGH NOTE.

 

WE LOOKED AT THE SLOP SHOPS AROUND TOWN, AN INDIAN RESTAURANT, NO THANKS, A TACO BELL WHICH OF COURSE WOULD GIVE US DIAREA LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THAT’S OPEN THIS LATE BUT IT’S A SPECIAL KIND OF DIAREA THAT GIVES YOU A HANGOVER THE NEXT MORNING AND MAKES YOU FEEL DEEP DOWN LIKE YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG. THERE WAS A BATCH OF OTHER MEXICAN RESTRAUNTS BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO BOTHER THEM AT MIDNIGHT WITH EVERYTHING THAT’S GOING ON. PAPA JOHNS WAS OPEN BUT HAVING TO THINK ABOUT THE N WORD WHILE EATING PIZZA IS REMARKABLY STRESSFUL.

 

SO I SUGGESTED WE GO TO IHOP. IT’S AN INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES JUST WAITING TO FLUFF UP OUR NIGHT. WITH THIS MANY PANCAKE OPTIONS TO OFFER MY LADY, I MIGHT EVEN GET LAID. ON OUR WAY OUT THE DOOR SHE EXCLAIMED YEA!! HOW ABOUT WE GO TO DENNY’S!!

 

I HAD BEEN TO DENNY’S YEARS AGO AS A CHILD. EVEN AS AN 8 YEAR OLD I REMEMBER EATING MY PANCAKES ON HIGH ALERT AS THERE WAS A SENSE A KNIFE FIGHT COULD BREAK OUT ANY MINUTE OVER EGGS BEING COOKED WRONG. SEARCHING ON THE INTERNET IT SEEMS NO ONE HAS RAN THIS STUDY BUT I’D ASSUME IT’S SAFE TO SAY 1 OUT OF EVERY 20 DENNY’S CUSTOMERS ARE PEDOFILES.  BUT MY SWEETHEART WANTED DENNY’S, SO I SAID GRAB YOUR SWITCHBLADE DARLING, LET’S GO HAVE US AN OMLETTE.

 

ARRIVING AT DENNY’S I NOTICED THERE WERE CRATERS IN THE PARKING LOT THAT RESEMBLED A WARZONE. HAD DENNY’S BEEN ATTACKED? DID DENNY’S SOMEHOW GET INVOLVED IN THE ISRAEL/PALESTINE CONFLICT AND THESE CRATERS WERE MORTOR HOLES FROM AN UNSUCCESFUL DRONE STRIKE? FUCKING PROBABLY.

 

THERE WERE MORE TEENS IN THE PARKING LOT WITH GUNS THAN PEOPLE INSIDE THE DENNY’S. THAT’S LITERALLY NOT A JOKE. THAT’S A TRUE THING I SAW AT DENNY’S. I ASSURED MY BETROTHED THAT SHE HAD ALREADY LOST HER WALLET SO IT’S NOT LIKE THEY CAN TAKE ANYTHING FROM HER. LET’S RUSH INTO THIS DENNY’S AND GET TO SLOPPING.

 

A MAN CAME OUT FROM THE KITCHEN TO GREET US BY STARING AT US WITH HIS DEAD EYES. HE HAD A MANBUN, THICK GLASSES AND A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HIS FACE WHEN WE ASKED TO BE SEATED. MOST PEOPLE’S FIRST CHOICE IN LIFE ISN’T WORKING AT DENNY’S. YOU DON’T CHOOSE DENNY’S, DENNY’S CHOSES YOU.

 

I’VE HEARD IN SOME COUNTRIES, SCHOOLS WILL HAVE THEIR STUDENTS TAKE RIGORUS TESTS AND THE RESULTS DIRECT YOU TO A FIELD OR AREA OF STUDY THAT YOU COULD EXCELL IN. THE MATH WIZ CAN BE AN ACCOUNTANT, THE CLEVER WRITER COULD BE A NOVELIST, AND THE KID THAT SKIPPED THE TEST CAUSE HE COULDN’T STOP ITCHING HIS ASS AND SMELLING IT GOES STRIGHT TO DENNY’S.

 

WE OF COURSE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE SO WE GOT OUR CHOICE OF A TABLE OR A BOOTH. CHOOSING A BOOTH OVER A TABLE WAS THE LAST MOMENT OF FREE WILL WE HAD AT DENNY’S THAT NIGHT. THE TABLE NEXT TO US HAD A STACK OF EMPTY TAKOUT BOXES FIVE FEET HIGH AND ENOUGH BUTTER AND SYRUP CONTAINERS TO MAKE PAULA DEAN STOP USING SLURS.

 

IT WAS TIME TO ORDER. MR. DEADEYES COMPLIMENTED US ON OUR BUCKET HATS, CLAIMED THEY WERE “JUST HIS STYLE” AND ASKED US WHAT WE’D LIKE TO EAT. THIS GUY KNOWS HOW TO GET A DECENT TIP.

 

THE SYRUP COVERED MENUS WERE QUITE OVERWHELMING, HE SENSED HOW OVERWHELMED WE WERE AND SIMPLIFIED THINGS AS THEIR FRYER WAS BEING CLEANED SO ANYTHING THAT NEEDED FRIED WAS UNAVAILABLE.  THE GRAND SLAM I HAD PREPARED TO ORDER WAS STARTING TO LOOK A LOT MORE LIKE A BASE HIT.

 

WE ORDERED OUR FOOD AND STARTED PLAYING A CARD GAME TO KEEP THINGS FUN WHILE WE WAITED. THERE WAS AN INCREDIBLY DARK ROOM NEXT TO THE KITCHEN THAT OUR HOST WOULD OCCASIONALLY APPEAR OUT OF TO CHECK ON THE RESTRAUNT. WHAT WAS HE DOING IN THAT DARK ROOM? LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN WILD. OR DON’T.

 

WHILE PLAYING CARDS I NOTICED A ROACH THE SIZE OF A SAUSAGE LINK APPROCHING OUR TABLE. I DIDN’T WANT TO STARTLE THE MISSUS SO I IGNORED IT AT FIRST, HOWEVER IT WAS CLEARLY COMING RIGHT FOR US SO I ALERTED HER AND BEGAN SHOOING IT AWAY WITH MY FOOT. IT BECAME CLEAR THIS WAS A SUICIDAL ROACH AS IT CONTINUED TO MARCH TOWARDS MY FEET. THIS THING WANTED TO DIE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS DENNY’S.

 

SEEING THE TAKOUT BOXES STILL UNUSED MY DARLING WIFE TOOK A PLASTIC CONTAINER AND TRAPPED THE LITTLE FELLER FOR PROOF. OUR NEXT MOVE WAS CRUCIAL. DO WE MAKE OUR GREAT ESCAPE OR DO WE MUNCH ON ROACH FILLED PANCAKES. I MADE MY WAY TOWARDS THE KITCHEN, I NEEDED TO MAKE SURE IT WASN’T JUST HUGE ROACHES BACK THERE MAKING THE FOOD.

MR. DEADEYES CAME OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND WE SHOWED HIM THE ROACH. HE GAVE THE ENERGY OF A CHILD THAT HAD BEEN CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING WRONG BUT HAD JUST RECENTLY FIGURED OUT LYING. HE ACTED SHOCKED BUT TRUST ME THIS WAS AN ACT. I THINK IF WE HAD GOT A CLOSER LOOK AT THE ROACH IT WOULD HAVE HAD A LITTLE DENNY’S NAMETAG WITH A MANAGER